Things You'd Never Hear an Avatar Character Say

Here is a variation on a recent one I did.

Jake, Norm and Grace are locked up in the brig. The guard comes in with the dinner trolly followed by Trudy.

Trudy: These traitors get steak.
Guard: Yeah. Incredible isn't it.
Trudy: I tell you what. If you pretend that I have hit you over the head and freed the prisoners, perhaps we can have some fun while they eat their steak.

After serving the prisoners the steak, Trudy and the guard disappear into the other cell.

As they are eating their lunch, the three prisoners hear sounds of rough love making which end with some loud ecstatic moans from Trudy.

Trudy opens the cell door and lets the three prisoners out.

Norm: What the hell were you doing?
Trudy: I had an orgasm and freed you just like you told me.
Norm: But I told you to come and rescue us.
Trudy: Exactly.
 
Grace and Norm are taking readings on the forest floor.

Grace: Do you see it?
Norm: It's amazing!
Grace: Isn't it.
Norm: It's more than amazing. It's ridiculously outstanding!!!
Grace: Yes. It's great isn't?
Norm: It's absolutely awesome. It's so thrilling. I'm so excited. I can't contain myself.
Grace: Er right, Norm. I think you should calm down now.
Norm: Oh, my God. I think this is the greatest moment of my life.....!
Grace: OK, Norm. Control yourself....! And put that thing away!
Norm: I can't help myself. I' just going to explode......HELL YEAH!!!
Grace: Oh, Norm. You've just contaminated the sample with your semen.
 
Jake, right before the Battle With the Sky People:

(kneels before the Tree of Souls)

"I'm probably just talking to a tree right now."

Tree of Souls: "Thank you for calling the Eywa Prayer Network. All of our customer service associates are busy right now. Your prayer is very important to us and will be answered in the order it is received."

Jake: "Shit!"
 
Neytiri aims her bow at Quaritch:

"Uh uh. I know what you're thinking. "Did she fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is my father's bow, the most powerful bow in the world and would kill you in less than six seconds, you've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?"
 
After the Battle Against the SKy People:

Cart Master (pulling cart piled with dead bodies of Na'vi and Sky People:( "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

Neytiri comes up, pulling Quaritch behind her: "Wait up, I got one here!"

Quaritch: "I'm not dead!"

Cart Master: "I can't take him, he's not dead yet."

Neytiri: "He will be, he's got two arrows in his chest, just give him a few moments!"

Quaritch: "I'm not dead yet, not even close!"

Cart Master: "There, he says he's not dead yet."

Neytiri: "He will be dead very soon. Here you go."

Quaritch: "I'm not dead until my DNA has been expunged from the Universe!"

Neytiri: "No, no, no. He's dead. Trust me! He's at death's door!"

Cart Master: "I can't take him. He's not dead."

Quaritch: "In fact, I feel just fine. I might even get up and take a quick jaunt around the neighborhood!"

Neytiri: "No you're not, you'll be dead very soon!"

Cart Master: "I can't take him like this. He's still alive!"

Neytiri (grumbling:( "Isn't there something you can do?"

Cart Master (looks around, takes club from cart, hits Quaritch over the head with it)

WHOMP

(Neytiri tosses Quaritch on cart)

Cart Master: "We'll see you on Thursday!"
 
Quaritch has all the Sully kids captured. Lo'ak says "Your plan to kill my parents will fail!" Quaritch: Kill them? Your dad's name has been randomly selected for Jury duty at Bridgehead, and I WILL serve him his papers. Neteyam: WHA...?
 
One Na'vi walks up to another Na'vi somewhere in the Pandoran jungle. The first Na'vi is dragging Quaritch's corpse, arrows still sticking out of his chest.

First Na'vi: I wan to make a complaint!
Second Na'vi: Er, about what?
First Na'vi: About this SecOps Colonel you found in the woods and gave to me a half hour ago!
Second Na'vi: Ah yes, the Miles Quaritch. What's wrong with him?
First Na'vi: He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!
Second Na'vi: No, no, no! He's not dead, he's just resting! Remarkable SecOps Colonel, the Miles Quaritch. Nice scarring there!
First Na'vi: The scars don't enter into it! He's dead.
Second Na'vi: No, no, no. He's just resting.
First Na'vi: Well OK then, if he's resting, let's wake him up! (begins shouting at the corpse) Ten-hut, Col. Quaritch! Time to wake up! Got some fresh jujubes here for you!
(Second Na'vi kicks corpse)
Second Na'vi: There, he moved!
First Na'vi: You kicked him!
Second Na'vi: No I didn't!
First Na'vi: (shaking and kicking corpse) Wake up, Col. Quaritch. 0900 hours! Time for your wake up call!
(First Na'vi picks up corpse, slaps face of said corpse, holds corpse up, drops corpse)
First Na'vi: Now that is what I call a dead SecOps Colonel!
Second Na'vi: No, no, no. He's just sleepy. He hasn't had his coffee yet!
First Na'vi: No coffee yet, really?
Second Na'vi: Yeah, the Miles Quaritch, he needs his coffee first thing in the morning, you just haven't given him his coffee yet!
First Na'vi: Now look, I have had quite enough of this claptrap. This colonel is definitely deceased. When you gave him to me a half an hour ago you assured me his total lack of movement was from him being all tired and shagged out after ragging on a bunch of new SecOps troops.
Second Na'vi: Well yes, he's just hankering for the fresh meat and the excitement of boot camp.
First Na'vi: Hankering for fresh meat? What is that about? And why did he fall over the moment I got him to Hometree?
Second Na'vi: The Miles Quaritch prefers to lie on his back. Remarkable scars there, eh?
First Na'vi: I took the liberty of examining that colonel when I got him home and the only reason he was not breathing was because he had two arrows in his chest!
Second Na'vi: Well yes, of course he had two arrows in his chest. That's the only way to keep the Miles Quaritch down. Otherwise he would have been up and about, blowing everything up.
First Na'vi: this Miles Quaritch wouldn't blow anything up even if Eywa Herself put four milling woodsprites in him. He's dead!
Second Na'vi: He's just hankering for fresh meat!
First Na'vi: He's not hankering. He's passed on! This colonel is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet Eywa Herself. He's a corpse. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's history! He's toast. His metabolic processes are no more. He's kicked the bucket, run down the curtain, and joined the ancestors. THIS IS AN EX-COLONEL!
Second Na'vi: Well then we'd better replace him! (looks around) Sorry, but we don't have any more Miles Quaritch, but could I interest you in a Lyle Wainfleet SecOps Trooper?
First Na'vi: Will it shit you out dead?
Second' Na'vi: Well no, but at least you'll get some!
First Na'vi: Well then, that's hardly a replacement!
 
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