Things You'd Never Hear an Avatar Character Say

Quaritch: You're not in Kansas anymore. Unfortunately, the air-conditioning in the Kansas room broke down. So I decided to move my opening presentation on Pandora to the Colorado room instead. That way we can all be more comfortable and relaxed. Please feel free to help yourself to some coffee, sandwiches and cookies before I start.
 
Neytiri: Jake, Eywa has heard you...

Jake watches with delight as banshees attack the humans

Neytiri: EYWA HAS HEARD YOU!

Jake: Neytiri, please! I heard you the first time! I don't have any problems with hearing!
 
This gave me some inspiration to finally write something in here :P

Neytiri: Jake, Eywa has heard you...

Jake: AHAA! We now have our chance for a counter attack! Banshee riders, with me! CHAR-

Neytiri: EYWA HAS HEARD YOU!!!!!!

Jake: ARGH! MY EAR!!! *falls of Turok infront of everybody*
 
Morpheus: Do you know why you sit alone in front of your computer all day? I will tell you. It is because you are the ONE who will save us from a hellish distopian world in which humans are enslaved in a computer network called the Matrix...

Avatar Fan: Look Morpheus. I keep telling you. If I want to to spend all my time sitting in front of my PC watching Avatar over and over again and looking at pictures of Neytiri, that is my business. I keep telling you. Neytiri is the only ONE that matters for me. So Morpheus, just bugger off, leave me alone and don't come back ever again.

A LITTLE LATER

Agent Smith: If you help me against Morpheus, I can arrange to put you in another Matrix where you can live out your life as a Na'vi with Neytiri on Pandora....

Avata Fan: Hell yeah!!! Now that's the sort of world I'm talking about.
 
Here is a slightly saucy one.

Jake, Norm and Grace are locked up in the brig. The guard comes in with the dinner trolly followed by Trudy.

Trudy: These traitors get steak.
Guard: Yeah. Incredible isn't it.
Trudy: I tell you what. While these traitors are eating their steak, why don't you and me go into the other cell......

After serving the prisoners the steak, Trudy and the guard disappear into the other cell.

As they are eating their lunch, the three prisoners hear sounds of rough love making, followed by the loud snoring of the sleeping guard.

Trudy opens the cell door and lets the three prsoners out.

Norm: What the hell were you doing?
Trudy: I seduced him and bounced him until he fell asleep just like you told me.
Norm: But I told you just to bang him on the head until he was unconscious..
Trudy: Exactly.
 
***SPOILER ALERT***

The following scenario contains spoilers from Mass Effect 3.

After crashing on a mysterious planet, Shepard's crew and squad mates stumble out the Normandy to find themselves in a paradisical forestal wonderland where hughes of green, blue and red hover in the air. As they look around themselves in awe at their wonderous surroundings, an impossibly beautiful 9-foot slim blue-skinned alien female steps out to greet them.

Neytiri: Oh, for f*ck sake. Not another bunch of f*cking skypeople!

Pre-emptive Pompous note from the supremely talented word smith who developed and published this masterpiece

Yes, I know what you are going to say. None of it makes sense. Right?

How come the crew can breath on Pandora without wearing masks? How come Neytiri is swearing? How come Neytiri hasn't changed in 50 years between the end of Avatar and the end of ME3? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear the unjustified fan-entitled moaning already.

Listen you entitled whiners, I am a talented artist and I have thus used my artistic licence to write this work of unique and inspired art. It's not my fault that you are all too stupid and lazy to work it out yourselves. The answers are all there for anyone who are willing to use their tiny brain just a little bit to work it out themselves. Simply put you should use my artistic masterpiece as inspiration to make it up yourself. Jeez, do I have to explain everthing to you morons?

Also, because this is art, I am am telling you now that I will not change it so that it makes sense. I will not compromise my artistic vision just to placate some moronic fans who "can't see".

Wake Up! This is art. So all that stuff about serving fans and customer is irrelevant here. You should be grateful to me for spending my precious time bringing joy and inspiration to your pathetic sad, lonely and dull lives.

Anyway, once you have all accepted that I am a genius (even if you are too stupid to understand why), you can continue the fantastical adventures of the Normandy crew on Pandora by downloading them from my story site at only $10 each.

So please go to <<www.I-am-and-artist-give-me-your-money.com>> to continue the fantastical adventures of Comander Shepard, his crew and the Star-child on Pandora.

I assure you it will be nothing like Lost or Avatar and wont have and A, B C ending. But it will be very colourful.
 
Jake has woken in his Avatar body for the first time. With the excitement of having legs again, Jake rips of the tubes and stumbles off the bed.

A small female scientist blocks the door, preventing Jake from leaving. Jake looks at the small framed woman blocking his patch.

Jake: You've got to be kidding me. You can't stop me from leaving. I am twice your height.

Female scientist: A small woman who uses intelligence and courage can always defeat a man, no matter how big he is.

Jake: Really? how?

The female scientist suddenly rushes forward and head-butts Jake in the bollocks. As Jake falls to the ground with a grunt, the other scientisits rush to administer some calming drugs.

Female scientist: By using her head, numb nuts.
 
Quaritch has just asked Jake to spy on the Na'vi.

Quaritch: And if you do this for me, son.....I'll get you a new wheelchair.

Jake: A new wheelchair? You mean I won't get by legs back?

Quaritch: Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But you should like it?

Jake: Really? What features will it have?

Quaritch: Well, it will look exatly like Davros' chair from Doctor Who. Not only that it will be like a convertible because you can also make it into a full Dalek if you want. Plus with the Na'vi unobtanium from their Hometree, we can make it hover just like a real Dalek.

Jake: Outstanding! Will I be able to shoot a laser and shout "EXTERMINATE!"

Quaritch: Of course it will. In fact you will be testing the prototyp of our new military model. All we have to do is merge your brain with the machine. It is similar to how the Avatar program works, but permanent.

Jake: Sounds good.
 
I think someone just won the internetz.


Also my horribly snarky contribution.

Jake-Anything intelligent

Puts on Flame-Suit and prepares to dodge shoes.
 
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